Harry Potter Rejection Letters
by tioga-kitsune
Summary: The name says it all! Harry isn't going to Hogwarts. Here's why.
1. Chapter 1

Dear magic school peoples,

I'm sorry but I can't go to Hogwarts. I just got back from the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and plan on winning the 26th. I kept spelling South American rodents.

Sincerely,

Leaf Connybear (formerly known as Harry Potter)

P.S. I like my hair

P.P.S. Leaf wants cats.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear The Man,

I won't conform to any society, magical or otherwise.

Peace, love, and flower power,

Harry Potter


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Magicy dudes and dudetts,

You're totally bumming my mood. I won't go to school, even if it is magical.

Peace out,

Harry Potter


	4. Chapter 4

Dear weirdoes and stalkers

Here's a list of why I won't be attending Hogwarts:

I don't know you

Magic doesn't exist

I certainly don't want to leave my family for most of the year learning how to turn rats into teacups

My name is Tom Lee, not Harry Potter

You're stalkerish tendencies are weirding me out

…Need I go on?

Sincerely,

Tom Lee

P.S. Don't send any more letters or I'll call the police.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Humans,

I will not be coming to Hogwarts, as I really doubt you take wolves. I am to busy searching for paradise and looking after Cheza and the pack. Now excuse me, I have to go and keep Huge from eating Toboe.

Sincerely,

Harry 'Kiba' Potter


	6. Chapter 6

Dear McGonagall-san,

I'm sorry, but I cannot attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as I am too busy learning to craft swords from Sensei.

My Most Sincere Apologies,

Harru Potteru-san


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I'm sorry, but I cannot attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as I am already apprenticed to one Nicolas Flamel.

Sincerely

Harry Potter


	8. Chapter 8 submitted by Lady Luna Slag

Dear Professor McGonagall,

I thank you for writing me to tell me about my enrollment into Hogwarts, but I'm sorry to say that I will _not_ be attending Hogwarts this year or _any_ year henceforth. First off, I no longer consider Harry James Potter my name and have no interest in taking it up again because the name drags up _painful_ memories that I wish to forget, and I have _more_ important and pressing matters to attend to that takes up _all_ of my time than to be bothered with mortal matters like a magical boarding school for mortal children, learning _useless_ wand waving magical spells. So _please_ do not contact me again.

If you _must_ know why I decline your invitation, the _main_ reason why I decline is because I have -_officially_ not been among the living since the day I _died_ at the hands of my mortal relatives six years ago, which you people _obviously_ failed to learn about before wasting time sending out your invitation letters to me, and being dead makes me _ineligible_ for Hogwarts anyway. I know _all_ about your war against Voldemort, who killed my birth parents when I was just a baby, and have no wish to be a part of the society who _abandoned_ me to the _parasites_ who killed me in cold blood, or help them in battle if my birth parents murderer somehow returns when they couldn't be _bothered_ to help _ME_, in _my_ time of need or else I would _still_ be alive and with all of you today. Besides my superiors have informed me, that the prophecy involving me and Voldemort became null and void the _exact_ moment I breathed my last breath six years ago, so if Voldemort does come back, you people are on your own.

You must wonder _why_ I claim to be dead, since I'm writing to you, but right now I'm spending my afterlife apprenticing as a Soul Reaper under the watchful eyes of my adopted father, Grell Sutcliff, who had come to retrieve my newly dead soul and saw potential in me and got special permission to take me in and train me instead of letting me move on to the afterlife. Becoming a soul reaper allows me to spend time between the living and dead realms, which is where your owl found me on one of my jobs.

Speaking of owls, I _apologize_ in advance for the missing owl that delivered the letter you sent, but my pet hellhound, Parsnip, caught the fowl and made a snack out of him after the letter was delivered, which is why I'm using another means to send my reply letter back to you. I _hope_ Angel didn't scare you _too_ much when she arrived. I _know_ her appearance can be a _little_ unsettling to humans when they first see her.

Sincerely yours,

Hadrian Grell Sutcliff

Formerly known as Harry James Potter

Apprentice Soul Reaper

P.S. Please tell your headmaster that my father says that the old coots time in the realm of the living is almost up, and that if Dumbledore doesn't leave me alone, that my father will _personally_ come after him, along with _anyone_ else the old coot sends to _try_ and capture me, with his chainsaw death scythe and make what _little_ time he has left in the mortal world a _lot_ shorter than its supposed to be, then personally drag him down to hell where he can suffer for all eternity. And that I will quite _happily_ join my father on the endeavor with Parsnip's help.

_**(Black Butler)**_

This was submitted to me by **Lady Luna Slag**. If anyone has ideas or letters they want me to post send them in and I'll post them.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Jerks,

If you are getting this letter, it means that bloody bird found you. Whoop-de-doo! I will NOT be going to Hogwarts. Why would I go to your school when your _esteemed _headmaster left me with an abusive family? Besides, I learned anything you could teach me from my mum's books.

Sincerely

Harry Potter

P.S. If you send another damn bird, I'm going to kill it.


End file.
